The loss of virginity is an issue that all survivors of sexual abuse face at some time. Two conflicting views come to our minds, and we must make peace in our hearts. The first says that because we had sex – even though unwillingly, and innocence was lost, we are no longer “virgins.” The other however, clings to the belief that because we did not consent, in some way the integrity of our intentions was not harmed.

Because both of these thoughts exist in our minds at the same time, it is often difficult for us to decide which is true. We feel guilt and shame because we lost something precious, anger resides in our hearts over the theft of a precious gift, and we grieve the innocence that we have lost.

For many years I have struggled with the loss of my own innocence in the face of my “virginity.” One one hand, I feel shame for knowing “more than I should,” while on the other, I know that this “knowledge” comes to all over time.

Today, I was reading a message from someone who is coping with the same issue. One of the replies caught my eye. It stated that St. Augustine had spoken of this very issue in City of God.

I was amazed.

Someone actually wrote about this??? Someone understood our confusion, and worked to help us to understand the truth? What did he say??? Which thought did he agree with??

I just had to look this one up, and this is what I found:

If, on the other hand, [virtue] belongs to the soul, then not even when the body is violated is it lost. Nay more, the virtue of holy continence, when it resists the uncleanness of carnal lust, sanctifies even the body, and therefore when this continence remains unsubdued, even the sanctity of the body is preserved, because the will to use it holily remains, and, so far as lies in the body itself, the power also.

For the sanctity of the body does not consist in the integrity of its members, nor in their exemption from all touch; for they are exposed to various accidents which do violence to and wound them, and the surgeons who administer relief often perform operations that sicken the spectator.

~ St. Augustine

He said that, even though I my body was molested, my virtue (virginity) remained intact because it was of my will, not my body? My friend was right when he told me that virginity cannot be taken, it must given of ones own free will? I knew he was, but sometimes I still doubted. Sometimes it was hard to believe….

Now I know, no one could not take that from me. It belonged to me until I gave it to another – by my choice…