The Anger Formula

The anger formula consists of three sentences to help you move from rage to resolution. Remember that we have many words that express the various degrees of our uncomfortableness with our feeling, but even the mild ones (that many of us don’t recognize as anger at all) describe some heat under our collar.

The first sentence is complicated, it has four definite parts. The second and third sentences are simple, but also have a definite purpose in causing the formula to accomplish the healthy resolution of feelings between persons.

The first sentence is:

  1. Name the feeling you have
  2. Claim the felling you have.  Don’t blame the other person, own the feeling as your own – it is your problem.
  3. Be specific.  Tell the person exactly what behavior of theirs is causing you difficulty.  Avoid being general with something like, “You are always trying to make me angry.”
  4. Tell why you think you have a right to have these feelings.  This must be a strong reason or you should not bring it up.

The second sentence is:

  • “I don’t like having feelings like this toward you.”

There are many variations such as…

  • “I love you, and I am uncomfortable holding feelings like I have now toward someone I care for as much as you.”

The main idea is to express dissatisfaction with things like they are.

The third sentence is:

  • “(Name of the person), is there anything you can do to help me with my feelings?”

This innocent sounding question, if asked sincerely, has a marked effect on the other person. All of us want to feel useful and wanted for something and this is a direst appeal for help. Occasionally a person may (when the mood is really hot) say something like,

“That’s your problem, no, I can’t help you.”

This should be answered by gently reminding,

“That’s what I said, I have a problem.  I’m asking if you will help me with it.”

Even if at this point they choose again to say, “No,” they will have some trouble sleeping at night if you have been sincere in wanting to work out your differences with them. If they don’t want a resolution of serious feelings with you, that tells you something you need to know about pursuing the relationship any further.

The purpose of the formula is to offer a non-threatening way to get at feelings that are too hot to handle. Notice that there are no accusations in it, no one is under attack and the person using the formula is claiming right up front that they are in trouble with feelings and want out.

Warning: When you first start using this, before it is fully a part of your regular communicating skills, it will sound very awkward and ‘wooden’  Keep on trying until you have made it ‘yours’, not the therapists.  Learn to use words that you usually use to express feelings.

~ Source Unknown.

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