How does love addiction work?

Love addiction is our reliance on someone outside ourselves in an attempt to get unmet needs fulfilled, to avoid fear or emotional pain, to solve problems, and to maintain our balance.  The paradox is that love addiction is our attempt to gain control of our lives, but we lose control by giving personal power to someone other than ourselves.  It is often associated with feelings of “never having enough” or “not being enough.”  Love addiction is also a form of passivity: we do not directly resolve our own problems, but attempt to manipulate others so they will take care of us and thus take care of our problems.

The roots of love addiction run deep, and the way out is often long and rough.  So long and rough in fact, that you may be asking yourself: Why bother?  Isn’t any love better than no love at all?

Why remove love addiction from your life?

Because dependent love is limiting

• It limits your ability to feel content.
• It limits your ability to function and to live up to your potential.
• It limits your openness to new experiences.
• It limits your ability to enjoy and live in the present.
• It limits your creative energy.
• It limits your personal power and your freedom.
• It limits your ability to accept others.
• It limits your willingness to face your fears.
• It limits your spontaneity.
• It limits your level of consciousness and your spiritual potential.
• It limits your capacity for intimacy and your ability to truly love

Some of us may not even be aware we’ve been holding on so tightly.  Some of us may have convinced ourselves that we have to hang on this tightly.  We believe there is simply no other choice but to react to this particular problem or person in this obsessive manner.  Frequently, when we suggest to people that they detach from a person or problem, they recoil in horror.  “Oh, no!” they say.  “I could never do that I love him, or her too much.  I care too much to do that.  This problem or person is too important to me.  I have to stay attached!”

Detachment is a difficult concept for many people.  It is confusing at first since so many people have different ideas about it.

Detachment is a way of showing respect for one’s self and for the individuality of the other person.

Learning to detach is a great kindness to ourselves and to another person, and well worth overcoming the obstacles in the beginning.  One reward of detachment is that it frees us to grow, to “live and let live.”  How can we begin to detach?  These key words are good to remember.

H onesty
O penness
W illingness

These three words are the clues to successful detachment.  Each individual experiences detachment in different ways, and there are some common principles and approaches to dealing with it.  Begin with the three key words, but expand to include these ideas

• I’ve learned to take responsibility for myself, for my feelings.
• I’ve learned acceptance.
• I’ve learned to be honest with myself and others.
• I’ve learned to be open with myself and others.
• I’ve learned to get involved with others who knew what it was like to live  with abuse.

In the process of rebuilding a relationship, several things may help guide you through detachment

• The absence of suspicion and resentment.  Nursing a grudge may be a major factor in your unhappiness.
• Not living in the past.  An unwholesome preoccupation with old mistakes and failures leads to depression.
• Not wasting time and energy fighting conditions you cannot change.  Cooperate with life instead of trying to run away from it.
• Force yourself to stay involved with others.  Resist the temptation to withdraw and become reclusive during periods of emotional stress.
• Refuse to indulge in self-pity when life hands you a raw deal.  Accept the facts without resentment or blaming.
• Cultivate the old-fashioned virtues — love, honor, compassion, loyalty.
  
• Don’t expect too much of yourself.  When there is too wide a gap between self-expectation and your ability to meet the goals, your feelings of inadequacy are inevitable.
• Find something bigger than yourself to believe in.  Self-centered, egotistical people score the lowest in any test measuring happiness.

Detachment is neither kind nor unkind.  It’s the respectful thing to do for yourself and another human being.  It tells them they are capable of making choices and that you accept them as they are.  Detachment lets you enjoy life and teaches you to love again.

~ Source Unknown.

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