Journal

DON’T YELL AT ME!!

Every time someone yells, I find myself shrinking into my protective little world. “Stay quiet, avoid eye contact, make yourself small, and if you are lucky, you might not be the one that takes the brunt of it all.” I know my feelings are irrational, that the adrenaline rushing through my veins and my racing …
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Virtue & virginity…

The loss of virginity is an issue that all survivors of sexual abuse face at some time. Two conflicting views come to our minds, and we must make peace in our hearts. The first says that because we had sex – even though unwillingly, and innocence was lost, we are no longer “virgins.” The other …
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What is in a touch?

Did you know that there are five major types of hugs? Did you also know that the type of hug you give another person is determined by the type of relationship you have with them, your social surroundings, and the need for ease of detachment? If you didn’t know this, you are probably thinking I …
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Holes…

Many years came and went before I realized that the holes that once filled my life were finally gone. True happiness had settled in and I no longer felt out of place in my own skin. It is so strange to me sometimes that there are people who look at my life, which is very …
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Identity…

If I am introduced as, “this is so and so’s stepdaughter” one more time this week, I think I am going to scream. I could not tell you how many times I have been introduced in this manner in the past few days. However, I can tell you that the last time I heard it …
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Setting boundaries…

The following are the boundaries that I am setting for myself this day: I will not accept more guilt and shame than is mine in any given situation. I will not accept someone else’s behavior as ok or understandable if they continue to be angry, vindictive, or overly protective after I have made sincere efforts …
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Coping…

It is amazing to me how quickly I deal with abuse issues now. In the beginning it was a very overwhelming, complicated process that seemed like it would never end. Now it only seems to take a day or two and my issue is resolved. Not only this, but it now takes less support. Not …
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Tension…

Oh, how quickly I am undone when there is tension in the room.Even after all this time it still does not take much to make me fall apart. With one look, a slightly raised voice, a mood swing or a harsh answer I am quivering inside. It may not even have anything to do with …
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10 things I have learned…

1. Even though abuse may be the cause of my behaviors, it is not an excuse for them. 2. Knowing what occurred, how it occurred, or how many times it occurred is not as important as simply understanding that something did occur. 3. Repressed memories are repressed for a reason. 4. My psyche is an …
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Healing is bittersweet…

Along the way I have learned that the healing process brings joy and sorrow, sometimes wrapped up in one. It is a beautiful thing that sometimes makes me sad. Like the time that I saw my father in my brother. That moment opened my eyes to the man my father was and forever will remain. …
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